Tuesday, April 27, 2010

A response to a message from my best friend. I thought it would make a good blog entry.

I thought all day about what I could say to help take away the pain.
Then I hear the rain..Heather will never hear it again.
I feel the cold...thats all she feels now.
I'm glad you messaged us. Because when anyone else tells me they're praying for me or there here for me...I just want to scream. I just want to be able to be sad and cry and roll on the ground and fall asleep with her pictures in my arms...but I never feel like I can because I simply feel nothing. Today was a rough day...last night was horrible, I laid awake in bed waiting for something bad to happen. I keep thinking i'll get a post from her tomorrow that this is absolutely the biggest best pulled off prank!!!
I'm starting to struggle with why because she seemed so happy...I can't help but watch your impact video to hear her laugh and think to myself...this can't be right people who laugh don't do this...I hate being alone cause i know in front of people i can pretend i have it all put together...i can pretend that life for me is moving forward...but not when I'm alone, i can fall apart then...
I wish I could convince myself and you that things will get better, but I feel as though they will get worse first.
I feel guilty for not feeling as much pain as some people do...but again I feel nothing...just numb.
This probably only made it worse but maybe it helped one of you to now feel so alone.

Monday, April 19, 2010

It's hard to think about that Fact that Heather is gone.
I think it's harder to know that this is what she wanted.
I hope my blog can be an inspiration to those who may someday be affected by suicide.
To show them that they are not alone.
That at one point,
someone else felt the exact same way
To know that it is ok to still feel pain
But that it's also ok to smile and laugh again.
To remember that God will never give them more than they can handle
and to know that their loved one is with him.
Somedays will feel like normal days,
Most you will feel alone...
at least at first.
You will go from thinking how could they do this...
to why wouldn't i do the same thing.
"It's hard to stick around for the credits when the middle of the story shows no hope for a happy ending."

A song they played at Heather's funeral...I now play on repeat.


Rascal Flatts

You must have been in a
Place so dark
You couldn't feel the light
Reachin' for you through
That stormy cloud
Now here we are
Gathered in our little hometown
This can't be the way
You meant to draw a crowd

Oh why, that's what I keep asking
Was there anything I could've
Said or done
Oh, I had no clue you were
A troubled soul, God only knows
What went wrong and why
You would leave the stage
In the middle of a song

Now in my mind I'll keep you frozen
As a seventeen-year-old
Rounding third to score the
Winning run
You always played with passion
No matter what the game
When you took the stage
You'd shine just like the sun

Oh why, that's what I keep asking
Was there anything I could've
Said or done
Oh, I had no clue you were
A troubled soul, God only knows
What went wrong and why
You would leave the stage
In the middle of a song

Now the oak trees are swaying
In the early autumn breeze
A golden sun is shining on my face
Through tangled thoughts
I hear a mockingbird sing
This old world really ain't that
Bad of a place

Oh why, there's no comprehending
And who am I to try to
Judge or explain
Oh, but I do have one
Burning question
Who told you life wasn't
Worth the fight
They were wrong, they lied
Now you're gone and we cry
'Cause it's not like you to
Walk away
In the middle of a song

Your beautiful song
Your absolutely beautiful song

Saturday, April 17, 2010


I said goodbye to you today.
I watched them Tuck you in.
I lost it.
I listened to them say how amazing you were.
I just want you back.
I saw them look at me like I wasn't really important to you.
I found a card that said I had saved you.
I felt some pain today.
I was able to still crack a smile.
I felt Numb today.
I still don't think it's real.
I watched for you to jump out and say got ya.
I hugged your parents.
I didn't know what to say.
I ate a lot.
I knew you'd approve.
I regret not keeping in touch.
I know you still loved me.
I will never forget you.
I will always remember you.
I will keep you close to my heart.
I will forever think of your smile.
I will miss you Heather Genovese.
I will miss you so very much.