Been a While

Its taken me a long time to want to write.
I didn't know what to say or even how to say it.
I guess being honest would be a good way to go,
But you all really wouldn't believe how naive you all have been.

The demons I fight everyday are not demons people want to hear about.
Most people couldn't even imagine them anyways.

The demons come in the form of people too.
If you didn't already know.

They come in the form of people who lie, hurt others, and will do anything to feel better above everyone else.

I've fought these demons for so long.
I thought I had an army of people willing to help me....

I was wrong.

The Lovely Tone

And the hardest part of life, Is realizing not everyone feels the same.

I often wonder why somethings make us smile.

Why some people make our hearts beat a little bit faster.

What prompts that tear to trickle down from our eye,

When we're trying to be so strong for everyone else.

I wonder why sometimes your head hits the pillow and your mind starts to dream,

Yet others you lie awake missing those you can no longer hold.

I wonder why some people endure such little pain,

Yet the pain they endure seems never ending.

Or how those who suffer loss after loss,

Still walk with their head held high.

Why does the mirror never reflect the image we want to see?

Why can we just not accept the developed photograph.

How does one touch make us weak at the knees,

Yet one glare can freeze us like stone.

Why some people in our lives never serve a purpose but to realize we don't need them.

While others only make us wonder how we ever lived without them.

I will never understand many of life's little lessons.

Why the pain never goes away,

Or why a look from you can make it seem non existent.

I wonder why i can still get up and everyday and find something new to be happy about

I find that my mind wanders.

I wonder what you would say when I told you my heart has been stolen.

I wonder what you would say when i tell you I don't know what to do about next year.

I wonder what you would say when I told you, I have no one to talk too anymore.

I wonder what it feels like to not be here anymore.

I wonder if God was letting me know you were going to be leaving when I asked you this,

This the question that troubles me most.

I wonder if your "i know where i'm going but I don't know melissa, i don't know how it would feel" response, was a way of god getting your heart prepared.

Mine still wasn't prepared to lose you.

But with each passing day, And each passing breath,

Each smile i share with world, and every thought I confess,

I'll keep you close to my heart, and never forget your pain is at rest.

"I was slipping away, that's what it felt like, life was leaving me, but I wasn't afraid; then I remembered: "There was something I was meant to do; somewhere I was meant to be.""

-The lovely Bones

Beauty that lies within

Think of all the beauty that's still left in and around you and be happy.
-Anne Frank-

This is the first time I've blogged in over two weeks.
I haven't been in some hole hiding from the world.
It's not even that I haven't had anything to say.
To say I didn't have time to write would even be a lie.
The fact is, The last two weeks, I have been the happiest I've been in almost a year.

I haven't written because I don't have time, or know what to say...
It's how do i convey how truly happy I am.
How do I convey that I'm not happy because of other people in my life.
I'm not happy because the sun is out everyday.
I'm not happy because i feel like I should be.
I'm not happy Because I feel its what everyone wants to hear.

I'm happy because I finally get to be who I want to be.

For the longest time I let other people bring me down.
Control my mood.
Be my strength.
But a month ago I found myself completely self reliant, for the first time ever.
I didn't have my mom to help me decide what to do.
I had no relationship to work around.
I had friends, but none I looked to, to keep me pushing forward.
My family was far away.
I barely talked to my dad (richard).
Or my aunt.
Or really my siblings.

I had a lot of time to do what I wanted to do.
To be around people who lifted me up, and not fake a smile around people who only did things
to make themselves look better...

I found that once I was happy with myself and my choices
it was easy to be happy for everyone else.
It was easy to think about my mom and not think about how alone I was.
It was easier to answer the phone and hear my sister cry.
It was easier to talk to my brother like he talked to our mom.
I started sending more encouragement notes to others like i used to do.
I started noticing other people and was finally able to balance
taking care of myself and helping others.

I also found that when you surround yourself with people
who care about you as much as you care about them,
life is easier.

I come into work beaming and glowing.
I do everything with a smile
(minus a few glares...in pure fun :))
people have noticed the extra spring in my step.

When they ask whats going on,
I simply say, I am SO HAPPY.

Being happy or content is not something that you search for.
All you'll find is a glass with one more sip to satisfy your thirst,
and then you go back to craving the feeling of being refreshed again.

Happiness in some ways finds you.
You just need to embrace it.

When you wake up and its gloomy,
think of all the amazing things that aren't.
Like the bright smile the person you get butterflies for has.

Its appreciating the things that seem to not get appreciated.
when you start to see beauty in things that may not seem so bright,
you will find that most things will never seem dull anymore.

A friend of mine told me one night that he thought he tried too hard or went to far trying to be funny....
What I wanted to tell him,
is that i hadn't laughed or smiled so much in a year,
and no matter how cheesy it was,
My smile still hasn't faded.

Its about being with people who bring out the best in you.
people who make you a better person just by being around them.

There is a person I've always wanted to be.
A person that most people saw.
I started having too many moments where i didn't like who i was becoming.
I didn't like how I felt or how I acted.

Maybe its cutting off friendships with selfish people.
Maybe its realizing that I don't need to take things so seriously.
Maybe its finding someone who makes me want to be a better person.

Whatever it is,
It makes me so happy.

Everyone tells me I derserve to be happy.
But don't we all?

There is nothing that has happened to me that should give me priority over someone else to be happy.
So I encourage all of you this week,
To find something small in the midst of hard day.

I wish my mom could see me this happy.
I wish she could dance around with me when I had a great night.
I know she's with me.
She's probably the angel that sent some amazing people to me recently.

Like Anne Frank said,
Think of all the beauty that is still left around you.

So I will go forth with that,
and everyday,
no matter how tough,
will find beauty in life,
embrace it,
cherish it,
remember it,
and learn from it.

I want to leave you all with a final quote from the Movie Sex and the City 2:

Samantha Jones: Relationships aren't just about being happy. I mean, how often are you happy in your relationship?
Charlotte York: Every day.
Samantha Jones: Every day?
Charlotte York: Well, not all day every day but yes, every day.

No matter what relationship, no matter how hard it gets,
find happiness in the fact that it still exists,
You never know when it could be taken away from you.
embrace it,
cherish it,
remember it,
and never forget how it makes you feel to see that person.

-Mel

Glitter

There are so many things going through my mind.

I usually can't even sleep.

I find comfort in music.

I really love to listen to the lyrics.

I can apply so many songs to my life and in someway I find peace.

Knowing that once someone else felt the same way I did.

Whether it be a song about being in love.

A song about forgiveness.

A song about pain.

A song about the first time you see someone.

A song about wanting what you can't have.

Even a song about losing someone you love.

I love quotes.

I love things being laid on my heart that I can explain away through the words of an old poet.

I usually find that this song or these words will not escape my mind for days.

If you know me, you know that a good quote will end up as my status or printed out and hung up.

A good song will be repeated until i no longer feel that way.

Often times I'll fall in love with a song, and then forget about.

When I find it again, while shuffling the lists on my ipod, I'm instantly taken back.

What I find humorous is when I can reapply a song from 5 years ago to my life now.

Or even 5 months ago.

Many of you know I lost a dear friend last april.

Many of you knew it was a high school friend, that I hadn't kept in close touch with.

What most of you do not know, is that this friend got me through senior year.

That this friend had been a constant thought on my mind right before she passed away.

In fact we had conversed a day before.

What many of you don't know is that I didn't so much feel pain from losing something I had.

It was losing something I didn't get the chance to have.

7 months ago, I played a song on repeat.

I made it my status.

My mom called me the next day and made sure I was ok.

7 months ago, I told my mom I wanted to come home.

I was so homesick and lonely.

She was so encouraging.

My mom was my best friend.

"Have you eve hated yourself for staring at the phone. Your whole life waiting on the ring to prove you're not alone"

My mom was that ring.

Find Strength in what remains behind

"Though nothing can bring back the hour
Of splendor in the grass, of glory in the flower;
We will grieve not, rather find
Strength in what remains behind;
In the primal sympathy
Which having been must ever be..."
— William Wordsworth

The last three weeks, have been anything been consistent for me. the way my days could go from high to low was impressive, even to someone who has never really known a normal in their life. Its hard to say whether those days and weeks of highs and lows will return. I'm sure they will but can hope that in light of recent events they will occur less often.

There is a calming in the air as a part of my life has been eliminated. I feel that the sun shining down is only an indication that was has recently ended was never meant to continue. This only brightens the smile on my face knowing that I no longer have to worry about being pushed down when I'm finally having a day of peace.

I was scolding a few weeks ago for making my thoughts public. For days, I felt like maybe I should just keep things to myself. Then someone told me how they appreciated what I had to say and it meant a lot to them. So to this person who brought me so far down for the last three months I have one thing to say to you: look in the mirror, and tell me that you honestly like who you've become.

I don't feel sad about the loss of a relationship, in fact I feel enlighten and hopeful for an even more amazing future. For sometimes you find that even though you have endured more pain and suffering then another person, you may be in a better place then they are.

I'm working on remembering my mom by doing things that she would do, or by doing things that I used to do that meant a lot to her.

So I baked my signature cookies that she loved, and gave them to other people. I baked muffins and used one of her favorite recipes.

One of our last conversations we talked about how she wished I was closer to her and could come bake for her. She loved when I baked or my sister made one of her unique creations.

I feel honored to have learned so many things from her in the short time that I had with her.


"Though nothing can bring back the hour
Of splendor in the grass, of glory in the flower;
We will grieve not, rather find
Strength in what remains behind;
In the primal sympathy
Which having been must ever be..."
— William Wordsworth

I will find strength in what remains, the memories of my mom and the many wonderful things that she blessed me with.

Sparkles like a fake

"I was standing there crying in the kitchen
It's been one of those mornings that's gonna last all day"

I have found that many days, have ended up this way. I don't know if it is the stress, the planning, the way I try so hard and fail, that have exhausted me, or if it really is the fact that I've never felt so much pain.

I used to cover my mouth when I smiled or laughed. I hated how all my teeth showed so much that you could see my gums. I thought it was the most hideous smile.

I was at my friends grandmas house, and her grandma had another couple over for dinner. Earlier that day I had tried to do a back flip (I have never been flexible I don't know why I tried this) and landed on my big toe so hard that it bent over and bruised immediately. I was in pain and my friend was in pain from feeling so bad (she accomplished the back flip mind you) that my toe was doubling in size.

The best medicine for my bruised toe was my friends grandparents and their friends. They had us all laughing and giggling around the table. I remember the lady kept looking at me, and I wasn't sure why. I thought "maybe she thinks i'm faking the pain because i'm laughing so much." Another joke was said and I laughed and laughed. My hand was right there to cover my grin like a curtain blocking the sunlight out. This time, the lady said "dear why do you cover your mouth when you laugh? You have the most beautiful and bight smile I have ever seen."

From that day on, I have never covered my smile.

Yet, my smile is what gets me in trouble. Sometimes, my smile has given people (cough men cough) the wrong idea that I am interested in them, or wish to strike up a conversation...this is rarely the case....

It also gets me in trouble when I have a bad day.

I love to smile, laugh, be a goofball. I love to be happy and feel good about a day. I pride myself in the fact that I can look at a bad day, mine or someone else's and find something good about it. This is why I hate debbie downers. Negativity has led to a lot of the reason I have had failed relationships with both guys and girlfriends. I get annoyed being around pessimistic people.

Again, it gets me in trouble.

When I don't smile, people know somethings wrong. But if they ask, I usually smile back, and say, nope "i'm fine"

My beautiful smile, is a deceitful one.

Like the rings that shine so brightly, yet, they are fake in every angle.

I think that sometimes It helps to mask how I feel. However, in the same respect, I feel that some people assume it should be fake because I shouldn't be this happy.

Pictures are hard for me to look at, I can't help but go back in time immediately to that moment and feel everything. It makes everything so unreal. Bad dreams, are the best to wake up from, because you are doing just that, waking up. What happens when you can never wake up? what happens if you feel like you're drowning forever.

"And he comes in, wraps his arms around me
And I don't even have to say a thing "-Miranda Lambert

Prompted by a Song and a Snowflake

"I thank God every time I remember you. In all my prayers for all of you, I always pray with Joy becuase of your partnership in the gospel from the first day until now, being confident of this, that he who began good work in you will carry it on to the completion until the day of Jesus Christ."

I heard a song today, while listening to my Pandora, it was I need you to love me, by Barlow Girl. A single tear escaped the corner of my eye. It would have made more sense to cry over the pictures I was looking at in my forensic science book, while reading the assigned chapter on dead bodies. But in fact it was not the song itself, nor the pictures that released the water from my tear duct. It was the reminder of why I liked the song so much.

My mom was great at buying us gifts. For our birthdays, for Christmas, and even for "good luck on finals" care packages. Her main expertise was buying very good contemporary Christian music for my sister and I. The year after she was diagnosed she gave me the barlow girl cd "another journal entry"

I had been very sad for some time. Again, like today just pushing everything and everyone away. I listened to the CD on repeat. The songs I felt had been written for me. The story of my life. So, today I downloaded the CD.

There are so many moments in life where you wish you could freeze them, and keep them in a little memory box forever. With the hopes of whenever you are down you can go back to this box and open in it up and look back at all of those times. Times like the first snow, where it glitters and glistens like a prairie full of diamonds. Or when someone says something funny and the entire room erupts with with a joyful song of laughter. Its moments like these that can take you back to a certain time and place, one where you may wish you never ad to leave.

My sister asked me to look up a verse, Psalm 28:7. While doing so, I turned to the booked marked page. Philippians chapter 1. That is where the passage above comes from. My favorite verse is "I thank God every time I remember you." However, I had never really read the entire passage...I would be lying if I said that after reading It, I felt it was just an ordinary passage and there was no coincidence behind it.

I feel these verse are not only about remembering my mom, but about the very simplistic essence of her life, and how her life is supposed to impact mine. From the day she was born she was angel, sent to worship God, and show others the way. "you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." Her legacy, her love for christ, didn't cease when I said goodbye to her for the last time. In fact, it was passed on to me. To shine until that day comes, or God comes for me.

I guess, I don't know really why I blogged this. I just like sharing my little reassurances that everything will be ok. With my everyday discoveries and babysteps, it feels good to document them.

At a time like this...

"At a time like this, At a time like this! At a time like this, I need the lord to help me!"

That is just a piece of a song I used to sing with other little campers when I was in elementary school. We would fill the bus with laughter and silly songs on the way to the water park or beach. Around the campfires we'd do few silly songs, a few emotional ones, and lesson. On Thursday nights, the last night of camp, we would do more serious ones and you could get up and talk. I never used to have much to talk about. My life was perfect. Yes, I got in little fights with my parents, or gossiped about a friend, but other than that, I really had no pain or saddness (minus not being liked by the only boy I was in love with...) I really felt like I had the world at the palm of my hands. I would leave still feeling refreshed, by God, ready to make a difference in the world, but not really my life.

Those were the days before the questions of "How are you doing?" "How's your mom?" "How are Amy and Adam?" I heard these before my mom got sick. Of course most people tried to hide the fact that they knew my parents we're getting a divorce.

In 4th grade my simplistic, perfectly, happy world, came crashing down. It was as quick and moved as swiftly through my life as an earthquake awakens a soul from a sleep. I would have preferred a tsunami, because then maybe the water would have been able to wake me up and make everything feel real.

I don't blame God, for the things that have happened to me. I don't blame my mom. I do try not to blame other parties, and God has a funny way of making me feel guilty for not being able to forgive. Forgive people who have scarred me so badly. It hardly seems fair. You know who was good at forgiving? My mom. Which leaves me with two conclusions...that are in fact contradictory. If my mom was so graceful in her ways to forgive, why did she go? Why not someone who is so full of hate and rage, and who has hurt others? However the contradictory question I ask, why not my mom, why not give those less loving another shot?

I remember yelling at my mom about a year ago. Telling her how much pain I held toward a family member for ruining things, yet always getting their way. I was so angry at them. That day, the phone call had been a routine phone call, yet at the mention of this family member my body went numb and I felt the warmth of my blood heating up from my toes to my head. After listening to their recent escapade the waterfall encased and raced over my cheeks and I pulled my car over to finish the conversation. My mom, had even more of a reason to be upset at this person than I did, but she didn't. She told me that I needed to learn to forgive and only then could I not be angry. Only then could I grow into the person I wanted to be. Holding on, was holding me back. I was so furious I quickly got off the phone.

The next hour I spent turning my mom's words over and over in my head. My mom texted me and apologized. TO ME! She was right, she was so right, and I knew it. Believe it or not, I took her words to heart. The reprecussions of me following my mom's advice have led to such an amazing freedom. My mom was so smart.

So what is this post about? So far random lines from a life of shattered fragments that I'm trying to assemble into so some form of artwork. I hope to make my blog a lot about what my mom taught me. Many lessons will be repeated as even in my short life of 20.9 years, I have learned a lot. Many of my trials were overcome through my mom's willingness to listen and offer advice. This is what I miss the most. So I hope that through my stories, you will be able to learn through my mom, as well. And that in some way, in some sense I can keep her presence alive and flowing through every single one of you who reads my blog.

I'm not sure the emptiness of my mo being gone will ever be filled. I really don't know how I will feel tomorrow. As tonight, my mom being gone hit me like a brick wall that I myself ran into, because I had been running away from it for so long. I appreciate everyone who reads, and find the comments and feedback to make me want to keep blogging.

Phil 1:3 I thank God every time I remember you.

About Time...

As promised, here is a blog. Since my semester is so busy, I will not have much time to chat with people, so I will make it my late new years resolution to blog frequently.

I started a few blogs, but none seemed to do justice of how I was feeling or what I wanted to say. I know what I want to say today.

I'll start with Amy and Adam.

Amy, has decided upon Anderson. She weighed many pros and cons and decided it was the right fit. I semi wonder if it is because this is the only one that our mom was able to physically go with her too. I don't think she chose it because of that, I think God kept my mom alive long enough to go with Amy to this college. Amy is working very hard at finishing her semester and it is not without the help of some amazing teachers. We do not talk nearly enough and this is my fault, but I will explain more later. Amy has some difficult decisions to make with regards to her present situations. She needs much prayer for encouragement.

Adam, he is just wonderful. He calls me every night and we catch up, sometimes too briefly, but he understands. At least he pretends too. We talk about everything from school, to teachers, to church, to even our crushes :) He has also assumed a role as my protector, and at the slightest of danger that I might encounter he is there to save me. He is, as mom called him as well, my angel.

I feel, I feel nothing. I have yet to decided if its the ending of the holidays, me pushing my pain away and ignoring it, or if its just a true numbness. I miss my mom, but I often feel as if she is still here. As if everyday is a new dream and the next day i barely remember what happened. I go to call her often, and many times completely forget that I will not be getting an answer. Many people have tried to fill this void, but no one will ever give me the same advice my mom did. She was the best friend that gave you only advice to help you and never harm you.

I would love to talk to her about my grades and about guys, and get her advice. I would love to be able and call her and have her help me find things in the grocery store...(yes over the phone my mom would single handedly direct me around a NEBRASKA grocery store) I suppose more than anything, I feel like there are many parts of my life that are incomplete. And they are parts that I'm not sure how to make whole again.

Its very hard for me to talk to people, becuase only so many times can you hear "your mom is really still with you" "your mom is in a better place" or "your mom WOULD be so proud" These are things I can tell myself. The worst was hearing "I prayed that God would take your mom, she looked so very ill"

What people fail to recognize is my moms immense strength.

Over the summer, while in Nashville Tennessee, in our a frame cabin over looking a hill leading to a winding river, I asked my mom "Is this the end, is this the last family vacation." and she replied "no, absolutely not." My mom had more faith than anyone I know, so maybe its not numbness, maybe I'm still in shock.

I should not be in shock, I watched everything end. But that is for another post.

Well, This is the first post of many. I think this will benefit me, as well as all of you. Please pass this post along to others.

Phi. 1:3 I Thank God every time I remember you.

Days like today

Days like today. I really hate days like today.

Days when the absence of you is present everywhere.

Days when even my bright smile can't cover up the immense pain I have.

I try to pretend like I'm fine.

But then a tear comes to my eye.

I'm not sure what is harder for me...

The memories of you... or the memories I know will never get to make.

I regret so much how our friendship faded.

I understand why you did it.

Sometimes I'm jealous...

But mainly I'm scared.

Scared I'll never see you again

Scared of what it feels like to be non existent on this earth.

I feel as though the void of you being gone will never be whole in my heart.

Sadness from anything else leads me back to you.

And I can't help but wonder If all my pain is held within you.

Dear Heather,

In the last two months i've gone back to Indiana three times...The car rides mainly have left me a lot of time to reflect. By reflecting I mean thinking about you. Heather, I miss you so much. I feel as though someday's I'm too numb for any of this to be real...However others, I know you're gone...and it scares me to think I may never see you again... Lindy and I talk about how you give the best Hugs...and as MUCH as I HATE hugs.... Heather, I would give anything for just one more. To tell you how much I love you... and that a world without you.... Is not one I like to be in... Somedays I pray it gets easier....While at other times I'm glad for the pain cause then At least I know I'm still feeling something. My summer job has left me with little time to dwell... however any down time, All I think about is you... I wish I would not have let silly (boy in particular) pull me away from you, I wish I would've reached out and tell you how much I had been thinking about you, and missing you. Little did I know that the missing pains would only get worse. I have been avoiding visiting you, but I'm counting the days til I can come say hi and bring you a flower (even though Adam says you hate them... I shall rebel and bring you one anyway :) ). I have such supportive friends, I bet you told God to do that. I'm listening to in loving memory and the line just said "I carry things that remind me of you" It's true. But I must confess last week I didn't want to look at it, I wanted you back, and to pretend like you weren't gone. I've changed, I value (some :) ) People more, I hope I make as big of an impact as you did. I wish you could see what I've been working on at work... you would love it. And Lindy works so hard, but we both have talked about how easy it is to break down at work missing you. I often excuse myself from the table making it obvious I'm tearing up about you. Adam, Makes me videos to remind me that its good to laugh again. I just miss you Heth, I just want to rewind the last three months, and really tell you how much I love you. Send you a smile text, send you a hug...something. Love You Heth...Keep being my angel...I really need one.

Mel

A response to a message from my best friend. I thought it would make a good blog entry.

I thought all day about what I could say to help take away the pain.
Then I hear the rain..Heather will never hear it again.
I feel the cold...thats all she feels now.
I'm glad you messaged us. Because when anyone else tells me they're praying for me or there here for me...I just want to scream. I just want to be able to be sad and cry and roll on the ground and fall asleep with her pictures in my arms...but I never feel like I can because I simply feel nothing. Today was a rough day...last night was horrible, I laid awake in bed waiting for something bad to happen. I keep thinking i'll get a post from her tomorrow that this is absolutely the biggest best pulled off prank!!!
I'm starting to struggle with why because she seemed so happy...I can't help but watch your impact video to hear her laugh and think to myself...this can't be right people who laugh don't do this...I hate being alone cause i know in front of people i can pretend i have it all put together...i can pretend that life for me is moving forward...but not when I'm alone, i can fall apart then...
I wish I could convince myself and you that things will get better, but I feel as though they will get worse first.
I feel guilty for not feeling as much pain as some people do...but again I feel nothing...just numb.
This probably only made it worse but maybe it helped one of you to now feel so alone.

It's hard to think about that Fact that Heather is gone.

I think it's harder to know that this is what she wanted.

I hope my blog can be an inspiration to those who may someday be affected by suicide.

To show them that they are not alone.

That at one point,

someone else felt the exact same way

To know that it is ok to still feel pain

But that it's also ok to smile and laugh again.

To remember that God will never give them more than they can handle

and to know that their loved one is with him.

Somedays will feel like normal days,

Most you will feel alone...

at least at first.

You will go from thinking how could they do this...

to why wouldn't i do the same thing.

"It's hard to stick around for the credits when the middle of the story shows no hope for a happy ending."

A song they played at Heather's funeral...I now play on repeat.

WHY?

Rascal Flatts

You must have been in a

Place so dark

You couldn't feel the light

Reachin' for you through

That stormy cloud

Now here we are

Gathered in our little hometown

This can't be the way

You meant to draw a crowd

[Chorus]

Oh why, that's what I keep asking

Was there anything I could've

Said or done

Oh, I had no clue you were

Masking

A troubled soul, God only knows

What went wrong and why

You would leave the stage

In the middle of a song

Now in my mind I'll keep you frozen

As a seventeen-year-old

Rounding third to score the

Winning run

You always played with passion

No matter what the game

When you took the stage

You'd shine just like the sun

[Chorus]

Oh why, that's what I keep asking

Was there anything I could've

Said or done

Oh, I had no clue you were

Masking

A troubled soul, God only knows

What went wrong and why

You would leave the stage

In the middle of a song

Now the oak trees are swaying

In the early autumn breeze

A golden sun is shining on my face

Through tangled thoughts

I hear a mockingbird sing

This old world really ain't that

Bad of a place

Oh why, there's no comprehending

And who am I to try to

Judge or explain

Oh, but I do have one

Burning question

Who told you life wasn't

Worth the fight

They were wrong, they lied

Now you're gone and we cry

'Cause it's not like you to

Walk away

In the middle of a song

Your beautiful song

Your absolutely beautiful song

Heather

I said goodbye to you today.

I watched them Tuck you in.

I lost it.

I listened to them say how amazing you were.

I just want you back.

I saw them look at me like I wasn't really important to you.

I found a card that said I had saved you.

I felt some pain today.

I was able to still crack a smile.

I felt Numb today.

I still don't think it's real.

I watched for you to jump out and say got ya.

I hugged your parents.

I didn't know what to say.

I ate a lot.

I knew you'd approve.

I regret not keeping in touch.

I know you still loved me.

I will never forget you.

I will always remember you.

I will keep you close to my heart.

I will forever think of your smile.

I will miss you Heather Genovese.

I will miss you so very much.

lessons from a country dance

Last night i ventured out on the town with the boy. His friends and my friend maddie all came as well. We went to a bar (hehe) where every sunday night is country dance night. Having learned how to pretzel the weekend before at 2am in the morning, Jase decided that i was ready to try the dance floor. 

It was weird for two reasons...One it was at a bar (a country bar) and with my Indiana heritage its a lil out of the ordinary for me. and Two it was a Sunday night before classes. (again out of my element) but still holding Jase's hand i went in got the two X's to prove I was under age and just like that Jase and I were pretzeling out on the dance floor!

My friend Maddie is Anti-country, but is very out-going. so she had no problem joining me on my little adventure!! Jase's friends seemed to enjoy the opportunity to teach Maddie and Learn themselves.

After a few songs we'd take a break but just long enough to only miss a song or too before being called back out on to the dance floor by out pure desire to have have fun. a little less then half way through Maddie and Jase's friend Casey (SP) we're out on the floor next to Jase and I determined to learn how to pretzel. SO in one night i became a newbie and a teacher :)

I couldnt help but realize that with every turn i would try to make sure my eyes connected with his, i'm not sure if this was to prove that i was doing ok dancing, and looking for approval in his eyes, or if it was the pure fact that with one glance we'd have an entire conversation.

That night made me realize just how truly happy i am. I was in the arms of someone who actually cared about me...and dancing right next to a friend who never once thought about country dancing : )

so this post is actually located in my comments because i can not seem to figure out how to copy and paste from word processor so please its was a reallly long post!!! sooo read it!!! and if yo know how to solve me deliema please let me know!

Lectures in an insect class on religion.

"Even if numbers always matched, in a perfect world, we wouldn't be doing this in the first place" -forensic science quote

I hope one day this blog will contain information about my Paraguay trip to all those (including my mom) who i could not remember exact details and instead gave brief descriptions of a trip that changed my life.

However today's topic has nothing to do with paraguay (sad I know)

As i was sitting in my 1:30 class, called entomology (which is the study of insects) I decided that i needed to post my first blog.

I have a complete passion.... a passionate desire, we shall say, to become a scientist. not the nerdy one who sits in a lab test and moves nitric acid from one container to another and like you see in some moves watch things flow over the test tubes and maybe create the cure to some soap opera addiction (love you mom :)) but the hands on science. I have decided that i in fact like science because unlike math it solves the why to every question i seem to have.

I've always believed that science is basis to everything. That some how everything can be explained through science. However, i do not have a belief in Evolution.

So in my quest to be a scientist at what point does evolution trump my love for science. at what point do I have to accept evolution, or do i have to realize that science will never coincide with my beliefs?