At a time like this...

"At a time like this, At a time like this! At a time like this, I need the lord to help me!"

That is just a piece of a song I used to sing with other little campers when I was in elementary school. We would fill the bus with laughter and silly songs on the way to the water park or beach. Around the campfires we'd do few silly songs, a few emotional ones, and lesson. On Thursday nights, the last night of camp, we would do more serious ones and you could get up and talk. I never used to have much to talk about. My life was perfect. Yes, I got in little fights with my parents, or gossiped about a friend, but other than that, I really had no pain or saddness (minus not being liked by the only boy I was in love with...) I really felt like I had the world at the palm of my hands. I would leave still feeling refreshed, by God, ready to make a difference in the world, but not really my life.

Those were the days before the questions of "How are you doing?" "How's your mom?" "How are Amy and Adam?" I heard these before my mom got sick. Of course most people tried to hide the fact that they knew my parents we're getting a divorce.

In 4th grade my simplistic, perfectly, happy world, came crashing down. It was as quick and moved as swiftly through my life as an earthquake awakens a soul from a sleep. I would have preferred a tsunami, because then maybe the water would have been able to wake me up and make everything feel real.

I don't blame God, for the things that have happened to me. I don't blame my mom. I do try not to blame other parties, and God has a funny way of making me feel guilty for not being able to forgive. Forgive people who have scarred me so badly. It hardly seems fair. You know who was good at forgiving? My mom. Which leaves me with two conclusions...that are in fact contradictory. If my mom was so graceful in her ways to forgive, why did she go? Why not someone who is so full of hate and rage, and who has hurt others? However the contradictory question I ask, why not my mom, why not give those less loving another shot?

I remember yelling at my mom about a year ago. Telling her how much pain I held toward a family member for ruining things, yet always getting their way. I was so angry at them. That day, the phone call had been a routine phone call, yet at the mention of this family member my body went numb and I felt the warmth of my blood heating up from my toes to my head. After listening to their recent escapade the waterfall encased and raced over my cheeks and I pulled my car over to finish the conversation. My mom, had even more of a reason to be upset at this person than I did, but she didn't. She told me that I needed to learn to forgive and only then could I not be angry. Only then could I grow into the person I wanted to be. Holding on, was holding me back. I was so furious I quickly got off the phone.

The next hour I spent turning my mom's words over and over in my head. My mom texted me and apologized. TO ME! She was right, she was so right, and I knew it. Believe it or not, I took her words to heart. The reprecussions of me following my mom's advice have led to such an amazing freedom. My mom was so smart.

So what is this post about? So far random lines from a life of shattered fragments that I'm trying to assemble into so some form of artwork. I hope to make my blog a lot about what my mom taught me. Many lessons will be repeated as even in my short life of 20.9 years, I have learned a lot. Many of my trials were overcome through my mom's willingness to listen and offer advice. This is what I miss the most. So I hope that through my stories, you will be able to learn through my mom, as well. And that in some way, in some sense I can keep her presence alive and flowing through every single one of you who reads my blog.

I'm not sure the emptiness of my mo being gone will ever be filled. I really don't know how I will feel tomorrow. As tonight, my mom being gone hit me like a brick wall that I myself ran into, because I had been running away from it for so long. I appreciate everyone who reads, and find the comments and feedback to make me want to keep blogging.

Phil 1:3 I thank God every time I remember you.

About Time...

As promised, here is a blog. Since my semester is so busy, I will not have much time to chat with people, so I will make it my late new years resolution to blog frequently.

I started a few blogs, but none seemed to do justice of how I was feeling or what I wanted to say. I know what I want to say today.

I'll start with Amy and Adam.

Amy, has decided upon Anderson. She weighed many pros and cons and decided it was the right fit. I semi wonder if it is because this is the only one that our mom was able to physically go with her too. I don't think she chose it because of that, I think God kept my mom alive long enough to go with Amy to this college. Amy is working very hard at finishing her semester and it is not without the help of some amazing teachers. We do not talk nearly enough and this is my fault, but I will explain more later. Amy has some difficult decisions to make with regards to her present situations. She needs much prayer for encouragement.

Adam, he is just wonderful. He calls me every night and we catch up, sometimes too briefly, but he understands. At least he pretends too. We talk about everything from school, to teachers, to church, to even our crushes :) He has also assumed a role as my protector, and at the slightest of danger that I might encounter he is there to save me. He is, as mom called him as well, my angel.

I feel, I feel nothing. I have yet to decided if its the ending of the holidays, me pushing my pain away and ignoring it, or if its just a true numbness. I miss my mom, but I often feel as if she is still here. As if everyday is a new dream and the next day i barely remember what happened. I go to call her often, and many times completely forget that I will not be getting an answer. Many people have tried to fill this void, but no one will ever give me the same advice my mom did. She was the best friend that gave you only advice to help you and never harm you.

I would love to talk to her about my grades and about guys, and get her advice. I would love to be able and call her and have her help me find things in the grocery store...(yes over the phone my mom would single handedly direct me around a NEBRASKA grocery store) I suppose more than anything, I feel like there are many parts of my life that are incomplete. And they are parts that I'm not sure how to make whole again.

Its very hard for me to talk to people, becuase only so many times can you hear "your mom is really still with you" "your mom is in a better place" or "your mom WOULD be so proud" These are things I can tell myself. The worst was hearing "I prayed that God would take your mom, she looked so very ill"

What people fail to recognize is my moms immense strength.

Over the summer, while in Nashville Tennessee, in our a frame cabin over looking a hill leading to a winding river, I asked my mom "Is this the end, is this the last family vacation." and she replied "no, absolutely not." My mom had more faith than anyone I know, so maybe its not numbness, maybe I'm still in shock.

I should not be in shock, I watched everything end. But that is for another post.

Well, This is the first post of many. I think this will benefit me, as well as all of you. Please pass this post along to others.

Phi. 1:3 I Thank God every time I remember you.

Days like today

Days like today. I really hate days like today.

Days when the absence of you is present everywhere.

Days when even my bright smile can't cover up the immense pain I have.

I try to pretend like I'm fine.

But then a tear comes to my eye.

I'm not sure what is harder for me...

The memories of you... or the memories I know will never get to make.

I regret so much how our friendship faded.

I understand why you did it.

Sometimes I'm jealous...

But mainly I'm scared.

Scared I'll never see you again

Scared of what it feels like to be non existent on this earth.

I feel as though the void of you being gone will never be whole in my heart.

Sadness from anything else leads me back to you.

And I can't help but wonder If all my pain is held within you.

Dear Heather,

In the last two months i've gone back to Indiana three times...The car rides mainly have left me a lot of time to reflect. By reflecting I mean thinking about you. Heather, I miss you so much. I feel as though someday's I'm too numb for any of this to be real...However others, I know you're gone...and it scares me to think I may never see you again... Lindy and I talk about how you give the best Hugs...and as MUCH as I HATE hugs.... Heather, I would give anything for just one more. To tell you how much I love you... and that a world without you.... Is not one I like to be in... Somedays I pray it gets easier....While at other times I'm glad for the pain cause then At least I know I'm still feeling something. My summer job has left me with little time to dwell... however any down time, All I think about is you... I wish I would not have let silly (boy in particular) pull me away from you, I wish I would've reached out and tell you how much I had been thinking about you, and missing you. Little did I know that the missing pains would only get worse. I have been avoiding visiting you, but I'm counting the days til I can come say hi and bring you a flower (even though Adam says you hate them... I shall rebel and bring you one anyway :) ). I have such supportive friends, I bet you told God to do that. I'm listening to in loving memory and the line just said "I carry things that remind me of you" It's true. But I must confess last week I didn't want to look at it, I wanted you back, and to pretend like you weren't gone. I've changed, I value (some :) ) People more, I hope I make as big of an impact as you did. I wish you could see what I've been working on at work... you would love it. And Lindy works so hard, but we both have talked about how easy it is to break down at work missing you. I often excuse myself from the table making it obvious I'm tearing up about you. Adam, Makes me videos to remind me that its good to laugh again. I just miss you Heth, I just want to rewind the last three months, and really tell you how much I love you. Send you a smile text, send you a hug...something. Love You Heth...Keep being my angel...I really need one.

Mel

A response to a message from my best friend. I thought it would make a good blog entry.

I thought all day about what I could say to help take away the pain.
Then I hear the rain..Heather will never hear it again.
I feel the cold...thats all she feels now.
I'm glad you messaged us. Because when anyone else tells me they're praying for me or there here for me...I just want to scream. I just want to be able to be sad and cry and roll on the ground and fall asleep with her pictures in my arms...but I never feel like I can because I simply feel nothing. Today was a rough day...last night was horrible, I laid awake in bed waiting for something bad to happen. I keep thinking i'll get a post from her tomorrow that this is absolutely the biggest best pulled off prank!!!
I'm starting to struggle with why because she seemed so happy...I can't help but watch your impact video to hear her laugh and think to myself...this can't be right people who laugh don't do this...I hate being alone cause i know in front of people i can pretend i have it all put together...i can pretend that life for me is moving forward...but not when I'm alone, i can fall apart then...
I wish I could convince myself and you that things will get better, but I feel as though they will get worse first.
I feel guilty for not feeling as much pain as some people do...but again I feel nothing...just numb.
This probably only made it worse but maybe it helped one of you to now feel so alone.

It's hard to think about that Fact that Heather is gone.

I think it's harder to know that this is what she wanted.

I hope my blog can be an inspiration to those who may someday be affected by suicide.

To show them that they are not alone.

That at one point,

someone else felt the exact same way

To know that it is ok to still feel pain

But that it's also ok to smile and laugh again.

To remember that God will never give them more than they can handle

and to know that their loved one is with him.

Somedays will feel like normal days,

Most you will feel alone...

at least at first.

You will go from thinking how could they do this...

to why wouldn't i do the same thing.

"It's hard to stick around for the credits when the middle of the story shows no hope for a happy ending."

A song they played at Heather's funeral...I now play on repeat.

WHY?

Rascal Flatts

You must have been in a

Place so dark

You couldn't feel the light

Reachin' for you through

That stormy cloud

Now here we are

Gathered in our little hometown

This can't be the way

You meant to draw a crowd

[Chorus]

Oh why, that's what I keep asking

Was there anything I could've

Said or done

Oh, I had no clue you were

Masking

A troubled soul, God only knows

What went wrong and why

You would leave the stage

In the middle of a song

Now in my mind I'll keep you frozen

As a seventeen-year-old

Rounding third to score the

Winning run

You always played with passion

No matter what the game

When you took the stage

You'd shine just like the sun

[Chorus]

Oh why, that's what I keep asking

Was there anything I could've

Said or done

Oh, I had no clue you were

Masking

A troubled soul, God only knows

What went wrong and why

You would leave the stage

In the middle of a song

Now the oak trees are swaying

In the early autumn breeze

A golden sun is shining on my face

Through tangled thoughts

I hear a mockingbird sing

This old world really ain't that

Bad of a place

Oh why, there's no comprehending

And who am I to try to

Judge or explain

Oh, but I do have one

Burning question

Who told you life wasn't

Worth the fight

They were wrong, they lied

Now you're gone and we cry

'Cause it's not like you to

Walk away

In the middle of a song

Your beautiful song

Your absolutely beautiful song

Heather

I said goodbye to you today.

I watched them Tuck you in.

I lost it.

I listened to them say how amazing you were.

I just want you back.

I saw them look at me like I wasn't really important to you.

I found a card that said I had saved you.

I felt some pain today.

I was able to still crack a smile.

I felt Numb today.

I still don't think it's real.

I watched for you to jump out and say got ya.

I hugged your parents.

I didn't know what to say.

I ate a lot.

I knew you'd approve.

I regret not keeping in touch.

I know you still loved me.

I will never forget you.

I will always remember you.

I will keep you close to my heart.

I will forever think of your smile.

I will miss you Heather Genovese.

I will miss you so very much.