Tuesday, March 22, 2011

The Lovely Tone

And the hardest part of life, Is realizing not everyone feels the same.

I often wonder why somethings make us smile.
Why some people make our hearts beat a little bit faster.
What prompts that tear to trickle down from our eye,
When we're trying to be so strong for everyone else.

I wonder why sometimes your head hits the pillow and your mind starts to dream,
Yet others you lie awake missing those you can no longer hold.
I wonder why some people endure such little pain,
Yet the pain they endure seems never ending.

Or how those who suffer loss after loss,
Still walk with their head held high.
Why does the mirror never reflect the image we want to see?
Why can we just not accept the developed photograph.

How does one touch make us weak at the knees,
Yet one glare can freeze us like stone.
Why some people in our lives never serve a purpose but to realize we don't need them.
While others only make us wonder how we ever lived without them.

I will never understand many of life's little lessons.
Why the pain never goes away,
Or why a look from you can make it seem non existent.
I wonder why i can still get up and everyday and find something new to be happy about

I find that my mind wanders.
I wonder what you would say when I told you my heart has been stolen.
I wonder what you would say when i tell you I don't know what to do about next year.
I wonder what you would say when I told you, I have no one to talk too anymore.

I wonder what it feels like to not be here anymore.
I wonder if God was letting me know you were going to be leaving when I asked you this,
This the question that troubles me most.
I wonder if your "i know where i'm going but I don't know melissa, i don't know how it would feel" response, was a way of god getting your heart prepared.

Mine still wasn't prepared to lose you.
But with each passing day, And each passing breath,
Each smile i share with world, and every thought I confess,
I'll keep you close to my heart, and never forget your pain is at rest.

"I was slipping away, that's what it felt like, life was leaving me, but I wasn't afraid; then I remembered: "There was something I was meant to do; somewhere I was meant to be.""
-The lovely Bones

Thursday, March 10, 2011

Beauty that lies within

Think of all the beauty that's still left in and around you and be happy.
-Anne Frank-

This is the first time I've blogged in over two weeks.
I haven't been in some hole hiding from the world.
It's not even that I haven't had anything to say.
To say I didn't have time to write would even be a lie.
The fact is, The last two weeks, I have been the happiest I've been in almost a year.

I haven't written because I don't have time, or know what to say...
It's how do i convey how truly happy I am.
How do I convey that I'm not happy because of other people in my life.
I'm not happy because the sun is out everyday.
I'm not happy because i feel like I should be.
I'm not happy Because I feel its what everyone wants to hear.

I'm happy because I finally get to be who I want to be.

For the longest time I let other people bring me down.
Control my mood.
Be my strength.
But a month ago I found myself completely self reliant, for the first time ever.
I didn't have my mom to help me decide what to do.
I had no relationship to work around.
I had friends, but none I looked to, to keep me pushing forward.
My family was far away.
I barely talked to my dad (richard).
Or my aunt.
Or really my siblings.

I had a lot of time to do what I wanted to do.
To be around people who lifted me up, and not fake a smile around people who only did things
to make themselves look better...

I found that once I was happy with myself and my choices
it was easy to be happy for everyone else.
It was easy to think about my mom and not think about how alone I was.
It was easier to answer the phone and hear my sister cry.
It was easier to talk to my brother like he talked to our mom.
I started sending more encouragement notes to others like i used to do.
I started noticing other people and was finally able to balance
taking care of myself and helping others.

I also found that when you surround yourself with people
who care about you as much as you care about them,
life is easier.

I come into work beaming and glowing.
I do everything with a smile
(minus a few glares...in pure fun :))
people have noticed the extra spring in my step.

When they ask whats going on,
I simply say, I am SO HAPPY.

Being happy or content is not something that you search for.
All you'll find is a glass with one more sip to satisfy your thirst,
and then you go back to craving the feeling of being refreshed again.

Happiness in some ways finds you.
You just need to embrace it.

When you wake up and its gloomy,
think of all the amazing things that aren't.
Like the bright smile the person you get butterflies for has.

Its appreciating the things that seem to not get appreciated.
when you start to see beauty in things that may not seem so bright,
you will find that most things will never seem dull anymore.

A friend of mine told me one night that he thought he tried too hard or went to far trying to be funny....
What I wanted to tell him,
is that i hadn't laughed or smiled so much in a year,
and no matter how cheesy it was,
My smile still hasn't faded.

Its about being with people who bring out the best in you.
people who make you a better person just by being around them.

There is a person I've always wanted to be.
A person that most people saw.
I started having too many moments where i didn't like who i was becoming.
I didn't like how I felt or how I acted.

Maybe its cutting off friendships with selfish people.
Maybe its realizing that I don't need to take things so seriously.
Maybe its finding someone who makes me want to be a better person.

Whatever it is,
It makes me so happy.

Everyone tells me I derserve to be happy.
But don't we all?

There is nothing that has happened to me that should give me priority over someone else to be happy.
So I encourage all of you this week,
To find something small in the midst of hard day.

I wish my mom could see me this happy.
I wish she could dance around with me when I had a great night.
I know she's with me.
She's probably the angel that sent some amazing people to me recently.

Like Anne Frank said,
Think of all the beauty that is still left around you.

So I will go forth with that,
and everyday,
no matter how tough,
will find beauty in life,
embrace it,
cherish it,
remember it,
and learn from it.

I want to leave you all with a final quote from the Movie Sex and the City 2:

Samantha Jones: Relationships aren't just about being happy. I mean, how often are you happy in your relationship?
Charlotte York: Every day.
Samantha Jones: Every day?
Charlotte York: Well, not all day every day but yes, every day.

No matter what relationship, no matter how hard it gets,
find happiness in the fact that it still exists,
You never know when it could be taken away from you.
embrace it,
cherish it,
remember it,
and never forget how it makes you feel to see that person.