Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Days like today

Days like today. I really hate days like today.
Days when the absence of you is present everywhere.
Days when even my bright smile can't cover up the immense pain I have.
I try to pretend like I'm fine.
But then a tear comes to my eye.
I'm not sure what is harder for me...
The memories of you... or the memories I know will never get to make.
I regret so much how our friendship faded.
I understand why you did it.
Sometimes I'm jealous...
But mainly I'm scared.
Scared I'll never see you again
Scared of what it feels like to be non existent on this earth.
I feel as though the void of you being gone will never be whole in my heart.
Sadness from anything else leads me back to you.
And I can't help but wonder If all my pain is held within you.

Monday, May 24, 2010

Dear Heather,

In the last two months i've gone back to Indiana three times...The car rides mainly have left me a lot of time to reflect. By reflecting I mean thinking about you. Heather, I miss you so much. I feel as though someday's I'm too numb for any of this to be real...However others, I know you're gone...and it scares me to think I may never see you again... Lindy and I talk about how you give the best Hugs...and as MUCH as I HATE hugs.... Heather, I would give anything for just one more. To tell you how much I love you... and that a world without you.... Is not one I like to be in... Somedays I pray it gets easier....While at other times I'm glad for the pain cause then At least I know I'm still feeling something. My summer job has left me with little time to dwell... however any down time, All I think about is you... I wish I would not have let silly (boy in particular) pull me away from you, I wish I would've reached out and tell you how much I had been thinking about you, and missing you. Little did I know that the missing pains would only get worse. I have been avoiding visiting you, but I'm counting the days til I can come say hi and bring you a flower (even though Adam says you hate them... I shall rebel and bring you one anyway :) ). I have such supportive friends, I bet you told God to do that. I'm listening to in loving memory and the line just said "I carry things that remind me of you" It's true. But I must confess last week I didn't want to look at it, I wanted you back, and to pretend like you weren't gone. I've changed, I value (some :) ) People more, I hope I make as big of an impact as you did. I wish you could see what I've been working on at work... you would love it. And Lindy works so hard, but we both have talked about how easy it is to break down at work missing you. I often excuse myself from the table making it obvious I'm tearing up about you. Adam, Makes me videos to remind me that its good to laugh again. I just miss you Heth, I just want to rewind the last three months, and really tell you how much I love you. Send you a smile text, send you a hug...something. Love You Heth...Keep being my angel...I really need one.


Tuesday, April 27, 2010

A response to a message from my best friend. I thought it would make a good blog entry.

I thought all day about what I could say to help take away the pain.
Then I hear the rain..Heather will never hear it again.
I feel the cold...thats all she feels now.
I'm glad you messaged us. Because when anyone else tells me they're praying for me or there here for me...I just want to scream. I just want to be able to be sad and cry and roll on the ground and fall asleep with her pictures in my arms...but I never feel like I can because I simply feel nothing. Today was a rough day...last night was horrible, I laid awake in bed waiting for something bad to happen. I keep thinking i'll get a post from her tomorrow that this is absolutely the biggest best pulled off prank!!!
I'm starting to struggle with why because she seemed so happy...I can't help but watch your impact video to hear her laugh and think to myself...this can't be right people who laugh don't do this...I hate being alone cause i know in front of people i can pretend i have it all put together...i can pretend that life for me is moving forward...but not when I'm alone, i can fall apart then...
I wish I could convince myself and you that things will get better, but I feel as though they will get worse first.
I feel guilty for not feeling as much pain as some people do...but again I feel nothing...just numb.
This probably only made it worse but maybe it helped one of you to now feel so alone.

Monday, April 19, 2010

It's hard to think about that Fact that Heather is gone.
I think it's harder to know that this is what she wanted.
I hope my blog can be an inspiration to those who may someday be affected by suicide.
To show them that they are not alone.
That at one point,
someone else felt the exact same way
To know that it is ok to still feel pain
But that it's also ok to smile and laugh again.
To remember that God will never give them more than they can handle
and to know that their loved one is with him.
Somedays will feel like normal days,
Most you will feel alone...
at least at first.
You will go from thinking how could they do this...
to why wouldn't i do the same thing.
"It's hard to stick around for the credits when the middle of the story shows no hope for a happy ending."

A song they played at Heather's funeral...I now play on repeat.


Rascal Flatts

You must have been in a
Place so dark
You couldn't feel the light
Reachin' for you through
That stormy cloud
Now here we are
Gathered in our little hometown
This can't be the way
You meant to draw a crowd

Oh why, that's what I keep asking
Was there anything I could've
Said or done
Oh, I had no clue you were
A troubled soul, God only knows
What went wrong and why
You would leave the stage
In the middle of a song

Now in my mind I'll keep you frozen
As a seventeen-year-old
Rounding third to score the
Winning run
You always played with passion
No matter what the game
When you took the stage
You'd shine just like the sun

Oh why, that's what I keep asking
Was there anything I could've
Said or done
Oh, I had no clue you were
A troubled soul, God only knows
What went wrong and why
You would leave the stage
In the middle of a song

Now the oak trees are swaying
In the early autumn breeze
A golden sun is shining on my face
Through tangled thoughts
I hear a mockingbird sing
This old world really ain't that
Bad of a place

Oh why, there's no comprehending
And who am I to try to
Judge or explain
Oh, but I do have one
Burning question
Who told you life wasn't
Worth the fight
They were wrong, they lied
Now you're gone and we cry
'Cause it's not like you to
Walk away
In the middle of a song

Your beautiful song
Your absolutely beautiful song

Saturday, April 17, 2010


I said goodbye to you today.
I watched them Tuck you in.
I lost it.
I listened to them say how amazing you were.
I just want you back.
I saw them look at me like I wasn't really important to you.
I found a card that said I had saved you.
I felt some pain today.
I was able to still crack a smile.
I felt Numb today.
I still don't think it's real.
I watched for you to jump out and say got ya.
I hugged your parents.
I didn't know what to say.
I ate a lot.
I knew you'd approve.
I regret not keeping in touch.
I know you still loved me.
I will never forget you.
I will always remember you.
I will keep you close to my heart.
I will forever think of your smile.
I will miss you Heather Genovese.
I will miss you so very much.