Monday, January 31, 2011

Sparkles like a fake

"I was standing there crying in the kitchen
It's been one of those mornings that's gonna last all day"

I have found that many days, have ended up this way. I don't know if it is the stress, the planning, the way I try so hard and fail, that have exhausted me, or if it really is the fact that I've never felt so much pain.

I used to cover my mouth when I smiled or laughed. I hated how all my teeth showed so much that you could see my gums. I thought it was the most hideous smile.

I was at my friends grandmas house, and her grandma had another couple over for dinner. Earlier that day I had tried to do a back flip (I have never been flexible I don't know why I tried this) and landed on my big toe so hard that it bent over and bruised immediately. I was in pain and my friend was in pain from feeling so bad (she accomplished the back flip mind you) that my toe was doubling in size.

The best medicine for my bruised toe was my friends grandparents and their friends. They had us all laughing and giggling around the table. I remember the lady kept looking at me, and I wasn't sure why. I thought "maybe she thinks i'm faking the pain because i'm laughing so much." Another joke was said and I laughed and laughed. My hand was right there to cover my grin like a curtain blocking the sunlight out. This time, the lady said "dear why do you cover your mouth when you laugh? You have the most beautiful and bight smile I have ever seen."

From that day on, I have never covered my smile.

Yet, my smile is what gets me in trouble. Sometimes, my smile has given people (cough men cough) the wrong idea that I am interested in them, or wish to strike up a conversation...this is rarely the case....

It also gets me in trouble when I have a bad day.

I love to smile, laugh, be a goofball. I love to be happy and feel good about a day. I pride myself in the fact that I can look at a bad day, mine or someone else's and find something good about it. This is why I hate debbie downers. Negativity has led to a lot of the reason I have had failed relationships with both guys and girlfriends. I get annoyed being around pessimistic people.

Again, it gets me in trouble.

When I don't smile, people know somethings wrong. But if they ask, I usually smile back, and say, nope "i'm fine"

My beautiful smile, is a deceitful one.

Like the rings that shine so brightly, yet, they are fake in every angle.

I think that sometimes It helps to mask how I feel. However, in the same respect, I feel that some people assume it should be fake because I shouldn't be this happy.

Pictures are hard for me to look at, I can't help but go back in time immediately to that moment and feel everything. It makes everything so unreal. Bad dreams, are the best to wake up from, because you are doing just that, waking up. What happens when you can never wake up? what happens if you feel like you're drowning forever.

"And he comes in, wraps his arms around me
And I don't even have to say a thing "-Miranda Lambert

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Prompted by a Song and a Snowflake

"I thank God every time I remember you. In all my prayers for all of you, I always pray with Joy becuase of your partnership in the gospel from the first day until now, being confident of this, that he who began good work in you will carry it on to the completion until the day of Jesus Christ."

I heard a song today, while listening to my Pandora, it was I need you to love me, by Barlow Girl. A single tear escaped the corner of my eye. It would have made more sense to cry over the pictures I was looking at in my forensic science book, while reading the assigned chapter on dead bodies. But in fact it was not the song itself, nor the pictures that released the water from my tear duct. It was the reminder of why I liked the song so much.

My mom was great at buying us gifts. For our birthdays, for Christmas, and even for "good luck on finals" care packages. Her main expertise was buying very good contemporary Christian music for my sister and I. The year after she was diagnosed she gave me the barlow girl cd "another journal entry"

I had been very sad for some time. Again, like today just pushing everything and everyone away. I listened to the CD on repeat. The songs I felt had been written for me. The story of my life. So, today I downloaded the CD.

There are so many moments in life where you wish you could freeze them, and keep them in a little memory box forever. With the hopes of whenever you are down you can go back to this box and open in it up and look back at all of those times. Times like the first snow, where it glitters and glistens like a prairie full of diamonds. Or when someone says something funny and the entire room erupts with with a joyful song of laughter. Its moments like these that can take you back to a certain time and place, one where you may wish you never ad to leave.

My sister asked me to look up a verse, Psalm 28:7. While doing so, I turned to the booked marked page. Philippians chapter 1. That is where the passage above comes from. My favorite verse is "I thank God every time I remember you." However, I had never really read the entire passage...I would be lying if I said that after reading It, I felt it was just an ordinary passage and there was no coincidence behind it.

I feel these verse are not only about remembering my mom, but about the very simplistic essence of her life, and how her life is supposed to impact mine. From the day she was born she was angel, sent to worship God, and show others the way. "you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." Her legacy, her love for christ, didn't cease when I said goodbye to her for the last time. In fact, it was passed on to me. To shine until that day comes, or God comes for me.

I guess, I don't know really why I blogged this. I just like sharing my little reassurances that everything will be ok. With my everyday discoveries and babysteps, it feels good to document them.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

At a time like this...

"At a time like this, At a time like this! At a time like this, I need the lord to help me!"

That is just a piece of a song I used to sing with other little campers when I was in elementary school. We would fill the bus with laughter and silly songs on the way to the water park or beach. Around the campfires we'd do few silly songs, a few emotional ones, and lesson. On Thursday nights, the last night of camp, we would do more serious ones and you could get up and talk. I never used to have much to talk about. My life was perfect. Yes, I got in little fights with my parents, or gossiped about a friend, but other than that, I really had no pain or saddness (minus not being liked by the only boy I was in love with...) I really felt like I had the world at the palm of my hands. I would leave still feeling refreshed, by God, ready to make a difference in the world, but not really my life.

Those were the days before the questions of "How are you doing?" "How's your mom?" "How are Amy and Adam?" I heard these before my mom got sick. Of course most people tried to hide the fact that they knew my parents we're getting a divorce.

In 4th grade my simplistic, perfectly, happy world, came crashing down. It was as quick and moved as swiftly through my life as an earthquake awakens a soul from a sleep. I would have preferred a tsunami, because then maybe the water would have been able to wake me up and make everything feel real.

I don't blame God, for the things that have happened to me. I don't blame my mom. I do try not to blame other parties, and God has a funny way of making me feel guilty for not being able to forgive. Forgive people who have scarred me so badly. It hardly seems fair. You know who was good at forgiving? My mom. Which leaves me with two conclusions...that are in fact contradictory. If my mom was so graceful in her ways to forgive, why did she go? Why not someone who is so full of hate and rage, and who has hurt others? However the contradictory question I ask, why not my mom, why not give those less loving another shot?

I remember yelling at my mom about a year ago. Telling her how much pain I held toward a family member for ruining things, yet always getting their way. I was so angry at them. That day, the phone call had been a routine phone call, yet at the mention of this family member my body went numb and I felt the warmth of my blood heating up from my toes to my head. After listening to their recent escapade the waterfall encased and raced over my cheeks and I pulled my car over to finish the conversation. My mom, had even more of a reason to be upset at this person than I did, but she didn't. She told me that I needed to learn to forgive and only then could I not be angry. Only then could I grow into the person I wanted to be. Holding on, was holding me back. I was so furious I quickly got off the phone.

The next hour I spent turning my mom's words over and over in my head. My mom texted me and apologized. TO ME! She was right, she was so right, and I knew it. Believe it or not, I took her words to heart. The reprecussions of me following my mom's advice have led to such an amazing freedom. My mom was so smart.

So what is this post about? So far random lines from a life of shattered fragments that I'm trying to assemble into so some form of artwork. I hope to make my blog a lot about what my mom taught me. Many lessons will be repeated as even in my short life of 20.9 years, I have learned a lot. Many of my trials were overcome through my mom's willingness to listen and offer advice. This is what I miss the most. So I hope that through my stories, you will be able to learn through my mom, as well. And that in some way, in some sense I can keep her presence alive and flowing through every single one of you who reads my blog.

I'm not sure the emptiness of my mo being gone will ever be filled. I really don't know how I will feel tomorrow. As tonight, my mom being gone hit me like a brick wall that I myself ran into, because I had been running away from it for so long. I appreciate everyone who reads, and find the comments and feedback to make me want to keep blogging.

Phil 1:3 I thank God every time I remember you.

Thursday, January 13, 2011

About Time...

As promised, here is a blog. Since my semester is so busy, I will not have much time to chat with people, so I will make it my late new years resolution to blog frequently.

I started a few blogs, but none seemed to do justice of how I was feeling or what I wanted to say. I know what I want to say today.

I'll start with Amy and Adam.

Amy, has decided upon Anderson. She weighed many pros and cons and decided it was the right fit. I semi wonder if it is because this is the only one that our mom was able to physically go with her too. I don't think she chose it because of that, I think God kept my mom alive long enough to go with Amy to this college. Amy is working very hard at finishing her semester and it is not without the help of some amazing teachers. We do not talk nearly enough and this is my fault, but I will explain more later. Amy has some difficult decisions to make with regards to her present situations. She needs much prayer for encouragement.

Adam, he is just wonderful. He calls me every night and we catch up, sometimes too briefly, but he understands. At least he pretends too. We talk about everything from school, to teachers, to church, to even our crushes :) He has also assumed a role as my protector, and at the slightest of danger that I might encounter he is there to save me. He is, as mom called him as well, my angel.

I feel, I feel nothing. I have yet to decided if its the ending of the holidays, me pushing my pain away and ignoring it, or if its just a true numbness. I miss my mom, but I often feel as if she is still here. As if everyday is a new dream and the next day i barely remember what happened. I go to call her often, and many times completely forget that I will not be getting an answer. Many people have tried to fill this void, but no one will ever give me the same advice my mom did. She was the best friend that gave you only advice to help you and never harm you.

I would love to talk to her about my grades and about guys, and get her advice. I would love to be able and call her and have her help me find things in the grocery store...(yes over the phone my mom would single handedly direct me around a NEBRASKA grocery store) I suppose more than anything, I feel like there are many parts of my life that are incomplete. And they are parts that I'm not sure how to make whole again.

Its very hard for me to talk to people, becuase only so many times can you hear "your mom is really still with you" "your mom is in a better place" or "your mom WOULD be so proud" These are things I can tell myself. The worst was hearing "I prayed that God would take your mom, she looked so very ill"

What people fail to recognize is my moms immense strength.

Over the summer, while in Nashville Tennessee, in our a frame cabin over looking a hill leading to a winding river, I asked my mom "Is this the end, is this the last family vacation." and she replied "no, absolutely not." My mom had more faith than anyone I know, so maybe its not numbness, maybe I'm still in shock.

I should not be in shock, I watched everything end. But that is for another post.

Well, This is the first post of many. I think this will benefit me, as well as all of you. Please pass this post along to others.

Phi. 1:3 I Thank God every time I remember you.