so this post is actually located in my comments because i can not seem to figure out how to copy and paste from word processor so please its was a reallly long post!!! sooo read it!!! and if yo know how to solve me deliema please let me know!
One bad day wont trump the many good days. I’m horrible at this blog thing! I am making it my goal to update AT least once a week!!! This way I can keep devoted readers so its all worth my while ☺ I’ve started two other blogs. One about Paraguay and one about the new church I have been attended. But again today my heart is not in the same place as it was a few days ago so I am writing a new blog. I never knew how much I was sophocating, until I was finally getting a lot more air. I wouldn’t say that the changes in my feelings were Necessarily due to the move from Indiana to Nebraska. But I do think a majority can be. For one thing I was away from everything I knew. I was completely on my own (which is what I had wanted for a while) and I was away from people who were bringing me down instead of lifting me up. This is also not to say that I didn’t know some people were bringing me down but I didn’t know they were drowning me. All of those points finally lead me to my past few days… I have not been so happy in so long. It seems like it’s been forever since I had to worry about who I’m texting, who I’m hanging out with, how much time I made for myself and “other” people. What friends I talked to you who I talked to and how long…the pressure of always trying to appease someone else is tiring. Esp. When you think you are really “changing them” “helping them succeed” Since I have officially cut off the things that started to take my life away I have had a total of…o maybe 2 bad days…until this week when I jumped off into the deep end and my past held me down so I couldn’t breathe. It is hard to describe to someone just how they feel if the other person hasn’t had a similar situation. It’s hard for me in general to face the fact that I let myself sophocate. There are a few people who I have been able to talk to (my Paraguay ladies, my mom, my sister, my roomies ok just about any girl who actually would want to know) but when it comes to talking to well Jase about feelings he’d be the first to tell you that I HATE FEELINGS. And some people who talk to me know that I’d rather talk about their feeling (except for Jessica…I always talk about myself …sorry love) I also would rather put the past behind me then dwell on it. There may be a few biological reasons for my, well fool mood I was in, but I would say the main cause was FEAR. Fear of the unknown fear of the past…fear of becoming the person I once was. Fear of treating jase like trash, fear of treating myself like trash….fear of everything. In my head I started to create this false world. However this false world had some truth. I began to forget that I wasn’t dating…him… and that I wasn’t this unhappy person who needed to be afraid of disappointing someone else….I forget that I had moved on from this and was dating someone amazing. Someone who wanted to be with me… Instead of embracing the fact that I was free I was drowning myself in my past and reliving it. I started having the same feeling I had months ago. i was mean and rude to everyone because I couldn’t understand why I was feeling this way… why was I drowning myself in the past? Why cant I just reach the surface to breath. And then he saved me. Sometimes words are just words and other times words that are so genuinely true they can change how you feel…. I’ve realized that I have hatred for my past. For people for the way I acted, for not having strength to move on. I plan on using this blog not only to share about my journey through college away from home (Indiana), but to use it as a tool to truly find myself…forgive the people of my past, and move forward with the people of my future. Its amazing How God plays things out…and how he sends certain people into your breath the life back in to you, or jump in and pull you up from the tide… Thank you for saving me Jase.
1 comment:
One bad day wont trump the many good days.
I’m horrible at this blog thing! I am making it my goal to update AT least once a week!!! This way I can keep devoted readers so its all worth my while ☺
I’ve started two other blogs. One about Paraguay and one about the new church I have been attended. But again today my heart is not in the same place as it was a few days ago so I am writing a new blog.
I never knew how much I was sophocating, until I was finally getting a lot more air.
I wouldn’t say that the changes in my feelings were Necessarily due to the move from Indiana to Nebraska. But I do think a majority can be.
For one thing I was away from everything I knew. I was completely on my own (which is what I had wanted for a while) and I was away from people who were bringing me down instead of lifting me up.
This is also not to say that I didn’t know some people were bringing me down but I didn’t know they were drowning me.
All of those points finally lead me to my past few days…
I have not been so happy in so long. It seems like it’s been forever since I had to worry about who I’m texting, who I’m hanging out with, how much time I made for myself and “other” people. What friends I talked to you who I talked to and how long…the pressure of always trying to appease someone else is tiring. Esp. When you think you are really “changing them” “helping them succeed”
Since I have officially cut off the things that started to take my life away I have had a total of…o maybe 2 bad days…until this week when I jumped off into the deep end and my past held me down so I couldn’t breathe.
It is hard to describe to someone just how they feel if the other person hasn’t had a similar situation. It’s hard for me in general to face the fact that I let myself sophocate. There are a few people who I have been able to talk to (my Paraguay ladies, my mom, my sister, my roomies ok just about any girl who actually would want to know) but when it comes to talking to well Jase about feelings he’d be the first to tell you that I HATE FEELINGS. And some people who talk to me know that I’d rather talk about their feeling (except for Jessica…I always talk about myself …sorry love) I also would rather put the past behind me then dwell on it.
There may be a few biological reasons for my, well fool mood I was in, but I would say the main cause was FEAR. Fear of the unknown fear of the past…fear of becoming the person I once was. Fear of treating jase like trash, fear of treating myself like trash….fear of everything.
In my head I started to create this false world. However this false world had some truth. I began to forget that I wasn’t dating…him… and that I wasn’t this unhappy person who needed to be afraid of disappointing someone else….I forget that I had moved on from this and was dating someone amazing. Someone who wanted to be with me…
Instead of embracing the fact that I was free I was drowning myself in my past and reliving it. I started having the same feeling I had months ago. i was mean and rude to everyone because I couldn’t understand why I was feeling this way… why was I drowning myself in the past? Why cant I just reach the surface to breath.
And then he saved me.
Sometimes words are just words and other times words that are so genuinely true they can change how you feel….
I’ve realized that I have hatred for my past. For people for the way I acted, for not having strength to move on.
I plan on using this blog not only to share about my journey through college away from home (Indiana), but to use it as a tool to truly find myself…forgive the people of my past, and move forward with the people of my future.
Its amazing How God plays things out…and how he sends certain people into your breath the life back in to you, or jump in and pull you up from the tide…
Thank you for saving me Jase.
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