Monday, January 31, 2011

Sparkles like a fake

"I was standing there crying in the kitchen
It's been one of those mornings that's gonna last all day"

I have found that many days, have ended up this way. I don't know if it is the stress, the planning, the way I try so hard and fail, that have exhausted me, or if it really is the fact that I've never felt so much pain.

I used to cover my mouth when I smiled or laughed. I hated how all my teeth showed so much that you could see my gums. I thought it was the most hideous smile.

I was at my friends grandmas house, and her grandma had another couple over for dinner. Earlier that day I had tried to do a back flip (I have never been flexible I don't know why I tried this) and landed on my big toe so hard that it bent over and bruised immediately. I was in pain and my friend was in pain from feeling so bad (she accomplished the back flip mind you) that my toe was doubling in size.

The best medicine for my bruised toe was my friends grandparents and their friends. They had us all laughing and giggling around the table. I remember the lady kept looking at me, and I wasn't sure why. I thought "maybe she thinks i'm faking the pain because i'm laughing so much." Another joke was said and I laughed and laughed. My hand was right there to cover my grin like a curtain blocking the sunlight out. This time, the lady said "dear why do you cover your mouth when you laugh? You have the most beautiful and bight smile I have ever seen."

From that day on, I have never covered my smile.

Yet, my smile is what gets me in trouble. Sometimes, my smile has given people (cough men cough) the wrong idea that I am interested in them, or wish to strike up a conversation...this is rarely the case....

It also gets me in trouble when I have a bad day.

I love to smile, laugh, be a goofball. I love to be happy and feel good about a day. I pride myself in the fact that I can look at a bad day, mine or someone else's and find something good about it. This is why I hate debbie downers. Negativity has led to a lot of the reason I have had failed relationships with both guys and girlfriends. I get annoyed being around pessimistic people.

Again, it gets me in trouble.

When I don't smile, people know somethings wrong. But if they ask, I usually smile back, and say, nope "i'm fine"

My beautiful smile, is a deceitful one.

Like the rings that shine so brightly, yet, they are fake in every angle.

I think that sometimes It helps to mask how I feel. However, in the same respect, I feel that some people assume it should be fake because I shouldn't be this happy.

Pictures are hard for me to look at, I can't help but go back in time immediately to that moment and feel everything. It makes everything so unreal. Bad dreams, are the best to wake up from, because you are doing just that, waking up. What happens when you can never wake up? what happens if you feel like you're drowning forever.

"And he comes in, wraps his arms around me
And I don't even have to say a thing "-Miranda Lambert


Amy said...

oh mel! i wish i had some magic potion to take away your pain, but the truth is, all of your feelings are normal, and it is good to get them out. love you!

Danielle said...

Love you.