As promised, here is a blog. Since my semester is so busy, I will not have much time to chat with people, so I will make it my late new years resolution to blog frequently.
I started a few blogs, but none seemed to do justice of how I was feeling or what I wanted to say. I know what I want to say today.
I'll start with Amy and Adam.
Amy, has decided upon Anderson. She weighed many pros and cons and decided it was the right fit. I semi wonder if it is because this is the only one that our mom was able to physically go with her too. I don't think she chose it because of that, I think God kept my mom alive long enough to go with Amy to this college. Amy is working very hard at finishing her semester and it is not without the help of some amazing teachers. We do not talk nearly enough and this is my fault, but I will explain more later. Amy has some difficult decisions to make with regards to her present situations. She needs much prayer for encouragement.
Adam, he is just wonderful. He calls me every night and we catch up, sometimes too briefly, but he understands. At least he pretends too. We talk about everything from school, to teachers, to church, to even our crushes :) He has also assumed a role as my protector, and at the slightest of danger that I might encounter he is there to save me. He is, as mom called him as well, my angel.
I feel, I feel nothing. I have yet to decided if its the ending of the holidays, me pushing my pain away and ignoring it, or if its just a true numbness. I miss my mom, but I often feel as if she is still here. As if everyday is a new dream and the next day i barely remember what happened. I go to call her often, and many times completely forget that I will not be getting an answer. Many people have tried to fill this void, but no one will ever give me the same advice my mom did. She was the best friend that gave you only advice to help you and never harm you.
I would love to talk to her about my grades and about guys, and get her advice. I would love to be able and call her and have her help me find things in the grocery store...(yes over the phone my mom would single handedly direct me around a NEBRASKA grocery store) I suppose more than anything, I feel like there are many parts of my life that are incomplete. And they are parts that I'm not sure how to make whole again.
Its very hard for me to talk to people, becuase only so many times can you hear "your mom is really still with you" "your mom is in a better place" or "your mom WOULD be so proud" These are things I can tell myself. The worst was hearing "I prayed that God would take your mom, she looked so very ill"
What people fail to recognize is my moms immense strength.
Over the summer, while in Nashville Tennessee, in our a frame cabin over looking a hill leading to a winding river, I asked my mom "Is this the end, is this the last family vacation." and she replied "no, absolutely not." My mom had more faith than anyone I know, so maybe its not numbness, maybe I'm still in shock.
I should not be in shock, I watched everything end. But that is for another post.
Well, This is the first post of many. I think this will benefit me, as well as all of you. Please pass this post along to others.
Phi. 1:3 I Thank God every time I remember you.